I just sat down and wrote an honest heartfelt blog post through tears only for my wifi to drop out and lost it all. It's so frustrating when that happens. Here I am tissues at the ready for my second attempt at writing a blog post that I wouldn't normally even think to write or share with my followers but today I had the urge to write, clear my head and share because maybe I am not the only one feeling this way. Where I am in my life is not really where I want to be. I struggle on a daily basis between 'Wow, I'm a bad ass mum single mum who works full time in London' and 'I would love to have a husband and to be at home to do the school run'.
I'm one of these people that will probably never be happy with what I've got and right now I feel I'm stuck in a guilty negative hole that I can't seem to get out of.
I am 31 and I'm a single mum, this not exactly my life plan, but sometimes things don't go to plan, I have learnt that more than ever these last 12 months. I am not asking for sympathy, this was my choice and I have not been perfect by any means, I chose to go in search of my ultimate happiness (still searching) I felt that if I was the happiest I could be I would be the best parent I could be to Joshua, but my search has lead me to a situation of juggling my life between work, childminders and babysitters left, right and centre while still at the back of my mind trying to be the best parent I can be.
None of my friends are single, let alone single parents and therefore nobody fully understands my struggle, my guilt of working and my yearn to have the 'normal' life. I owe a lot to a few friends and my sister who got me through the last year, who without, I'm not sure how I would have survived. Yet ultimately I am the only one who is really in control of what happens next.
This last year I have learnt that the only person I can rely on is myself, the only person who can build my future and the future I want for Joshua and myself is me. I want so much for Joshua and I have worked so hard to get to where I am and I can truly say I am so proud of myself. Finally at 31 years old I have a job I love. A proper job which has holiday pay and a secure contract. Up until now I have never had that. I have always worked, I was working as a child doing modelling and have never shied away from work but it has never been secure, it has involved castings, auditions, waiting for the call to say if you had the job, working night shifts, getting paid two weeks late even though there were bills to pay etc and so for my sake and to give Joshua routine and schedule I found a job to suit our needs. I get to do amazing things with my job and I have a boss who understands my situation, which is always a bonus.
Being a parent is more than I could of ever asked for. No matter how many books you read nothing prepares you for it and being a single parent is even more of a battle. With my new job I get to do one school run a week on a Monday, which I cherish and means so much for me to be able to do this, I am envious of the mums who get to do it every day...why can't my life be like that I think when I'm running down the street practically throwing Joshua thorough the gates at 7.30am for breakfast club to run and make my train to work.
I know I'm not the only person in the world to be a single working mum but I salute you all as we are one species of Superwoman and unless you have been there and done that you have no idea how hard it can be.
Most days by the time I've got Joshua to bed, read through his letters from school and everything sorted it's normally quite late. I often find myself just sat staring at the TV going back and forth between 'I hate my life why me' and 'no you can do this' then I remember I have the most beautiful gift of all my son who needs me and I live for him, I have no choice but to keep going, I want to make him proud.
They say everything happens for a reason, I am not seeing the reason right now (while I've just sat down at 9.33pm with a Magnum ice cream for my dinner) but I'm hoping I will soon. I have probably refreshed Instagram 30 times, watched snap chat, scrolled mailonline and Twitter to the point my eyes hurt. While deep down I am thinking how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle right now, someone to ask how my day was or how I am and if I want a cup of tea...Oh well, I am stuck making my own I guess for a while!
I know my Instagram can often make my life took great, which it is 80% of the time but there are lonely nights, guilt ridden dashes to work and tears from time to time as well and right now I wanted to share that with you... There is a lot more to my story which I may possibly never be ready to share but right now I wanted to share a little bit about the normal life, the real me, the person behind the social media and what is also going on behind the scenes.